My heart and soul ache
at the memory of who I was
and the thought of lost possibilities.
These losses seem like so long ago,
just a distant memory;
and yet they continually haunt me.
What is to become of me?
The uncertainty is a painful reminder
that things will never be the same.
It has been almost two years since the accident,
and yet I still cannot accept the changes
in who I am and what I will be.
Will the pain ever cease --
the pain of knowing that I'll never be the same,
the pain that holds my life captive?
I have lost all self-confidence,
I have struggled with my trust in the Lord,
I have shut out friends and loved-ones,
I have missed opportunities,
I have changed.
© 2010 Jamie Valendy.
I've suffered from depression for years, but the worst of it has been since my car accident triggered chronic pain that has taken over my life. I think that depression is just as misunderstood by most people as chronic pain. Just as migraine is not just a bad headache, depression is not just a lot of sadness. Describing depression to someone that has not experienced it him/herself is like trying to describe chronic migraine to someone that has never experienced a migraine (or even headache).
Having a loving support system (through my family, friends, and church) has been key to getting through those dark times that feel like they will never release you. It is normally indirect support, since I tend to internalize things and try to handle it on my own. After years of fighting depression, I know how difficult it is to reach out to get help, even from those close to us. But, it is an important step. Most family and friends cannot help enough through the darkest of times, so it may be necessary to reach out to a professional. There is no shame in this... though, again, I know it can be one of the hardest things to do.
I love you and miss you. I am praying for you often. I hope we can talk soon.
ReplyDeleteChronic pain changes us in ways we don't expect. Wishing that you didn't have this double burden, praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for everything you are experiencing. I know it is complicated, and there is a depth to your physical and emotional pain that only you can understand. I hope that you experience the love of Christ through this dark time in your life in a way you never have before.
ReplyDeleteI see you know this subject only too well also, but at least by being vulnerable and opening up this way others may find the strength to reach out and get help.I hope you begin to find new meaning in your life in this fashion, I have.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind words. It is difficult for me to allow myself to be vulnerable - I normally just keep it to myself. So, this blogging thing has really been good for me. I'm starting to open up and allow others to see me.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post! It says EXACTLY what I want to say. I know our lives have changed so so much an it's so hard to deal with! I will keep you in my prayers too Jamie!
ReplyDeleteawesome post! thank u for being so open. i have only had a few real migraines, and they were awful. i have a close friend who suffers chronically with them, so i know how debilitating they are. i'm so sorry you must suffer with them. we all have our crosses to bear i guess...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your openness..being vulnerable is not easy..dealing w/.chronic pain is not easy either..
ReplyDeleteThx for sharing your struggle. I know it can be difficult to make others understand both chronic pain and chronic depression. Your poem touched my heart.
ReplyDeleteWishing you days with more laughter than tears, with more rainbows than raine.
great poem and post! glad to be meeting you through the blog carnival and I am surprised to find someone with the same onset (and general timeline!) of chronic pain as I have! my car accident was March 2008 and I haven't had a single day without pain since. I also have 24/7 headaches and migraines. I'm sorry for what you are going through - you are not alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other; that is all we can do sometimes.
ReplyDelete~Kris (a.k.a krismom)
Yes Thank you for such a true poem, I am at the moment in same place so I pray for you and all the others who suffer.. You are not alone Anon
ReplyDelete