My heart and soul ache
at the memory of who I was
and the thought of lost possibilities.
These losses seem like so long ago,
just a distant memory;
and yet they continually haunt me.
What is to become of me?
The uncertainty is a painful reminder
that things will never be the same.
It has been almost two years since the accident,
and yet I still cannot accept the changes
in who I am and what I will be.
Will the pain ever cease --
the pain of knowing that I'll never be the same,
the pain that holds my life captive?
I have lost all self-confidence,
I have struggled with my trust in the Lord,
I have shut out friends and loved-ones,
I have missed opportunities,
I have changed.
© 2010 Jamie Valendy.
I've suffered from depression for years, but the worst of it has been since my car accident triggered chronic pain that has taken over my life. I think that depression is just as misunderstood by most people as chronic pain. Just as migraine is not just a bad headache, depression is not just a lot of sadness. Describing depression to someone that has not experienced it him/herself is like trying to describe chronic migraine to someone that has never experienced a migraine (or even headache).
Having a loving support system (through my family, friends, and church) has been key to getting through those dark times that feel like they will never release you. It is normally indirect support, since I tend to internalize things and try to handle it on my own. After years of fighting depression, I know how difficult it is to reach out to get help, even from those close to us. But, it is an important step. Most family and friends cannot help enough through the darkest of times, so it may be necessary to reach out to a professional. There is no shame in this... though, again, I know it can be one of the hardest things to do.
