I was looking through some of my blog posts, and I came across some posts that I wrote back in January and February but that apparently never posted. So, I thought I'd go ahead and share them (with the original date they were written in the titles).
In some ways, it's as though my life before my car accident didn't even exist... Everything has changed so much that nothing seems to work the same...
- My BODY doesn't work the same. The way my body responded to medications, stressors, internal/external stimuli, etc... cannot be looked at in a sense of how I once responded to those things. The accident changed by body so much that what I had learned about my body pre-accident (such as reactions to medications or stressors, etc...) may or may not be true... so, I pretty much am just starting back at square one again. In addition, I can't do a lot of things I could before the accident. I'm restricted by my body because I must limit my exposure to sound, lights, scents, crowds, stress, etc...
- My MIND doesn't work the same. My memory is a hit or miss. My short-term memory has improved since right after the accident, but it's still so horrible. My thought-processes don't work the same... and often just DON'T work. Sometimes I can't even follow a simple conversation. It's so frustrating to go from a mind that works so fluidly to a mind that works like it's filled with muddy clay and sticks.
- My EMOTIONS don't work the same. I can't count how many times I've just broken down in tears, since the accident. I have meltdowns over pain levels, frustration, anxiety, or nothing. I'm irritable a lot of the time. My depression and anxiety are up and down, mixed in with feelings of apathy. I often feel so out of control of my emotions that I don't even want to be around other people because I'm not sure how I'll act or respond around them.
- My PERSONALITY isn't the same. I would never have described me as very confident... but, before the accident, I knew who I was and was succeeding in my job. Now, I feel LOST. I don't even want to think about what my personality is like because I'm afraid I won't like what I see. I'm less trusting and more cynical... and I don't want to be... I'm trying not to be.
- My RELATIONSHIPS aren't the same. I've talked about relationships in previous posts (Changed Relationships and Changed Relationship, continued). My relationship with God has been a roller coaster... I'm still working to get back on track... it's difficult. My relationship with my husband has been strained and tested, but has adapted and grown stronger through this time. My relationships with those in my family have varied, but I think each person is dealing with everything the best way they can... I know that they're there for me and they love me, and that means a lot. My relationships with my friends have been strangely absent. The Lord has blessed me with people that enter into my life for a while (for me to help or for them to help me... often a combination, as the Lord works in mysterious ways). It still aches (very deep) that my long-time friends seem to not be there for me, so I'm working through those feelings of resentment and onward to forgiveness.
Don't get me wrong, I know that aspects of life change over time; but it's different when something (like a car accident) abruptly (and drastically) alters your life. I'm not sure yet how to re-define myself, and that frustrates me to no end!
So well put. I have been feeling much of what you have described since my pain got out of control. I don't have any answers or even words of wisdom...but I'm here and I understand what your talking about.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
I'm here too, Jamie!
ReplyDeleteXoXoXo!
Jamie,
ReplyDeleteI didn't have an accident, but I have similar experiences with how my life changed when my Migraines became debilitating. I especially feel for you when you talk about your closest friends leaving your side. I grieved a lot about that. I likened it to it felt our relationship would be if I had died. As in, my life had halted but their lives had gone on, like what happens when someone dies. People have to go on. And that meant they continued their lives without me because I was not in the places where we maintained our friendships and so I was out of sight/out of mind. And keeping up with our friendships meant they had to go out of their way to come to my house or text or email ect. And apparently they weren't willing to do those things. But also, unfortunately, the nature of Migraine disease is that we isolate because sometimes being with people is physically painful. Thanks for talking about this stuff.It helps to hear how others have experienced similar things.
I totally get this, despite having no history of car accident or trauma. When I think of who I was prior to Sept 2005 and every day since, the mirror shows two entirely different people. Those changes happened almost overnight. Thank you for posting this. It's good to know it isn't just me.
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