In the spirit of
Disclosure: An Open Book, there's something that I'd like to share.
I've been struggling so very much with food and weight over the past few years, but in a very different way than most others.
I don't need to lose weight; I desperately need to gain weight.
There's not really an outlet for those that are having difficulty
maintaining or
gaining weight. Most people just say, "I wish I had that problem." Not to this extent, you don't!
I don't have an eating disorder... well, it's possible that what's happening to me may actually be part of a disorder that I'm not aware of. I've been labeled as anorexic my entire life because I've always been very skinny. I hated that being said about me, especially back in my school days. It's the equivalent of people saying nasty things about people that are overweight (like calling them a pig or whale). It's hurtful! When I was younger, I used to eat and eat and eat, and I was active in sports. I knew I was skinny, but I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. And, I never binged or purged.
My challenges have been different. I know that I need to gain weight. I know what to eat / how to eat well. But, I still can't do it consistently. I also know that I need to work out to regain some of the muscle that I've lost; but I have to get the eating under control, or I won't have enough energy to even think about working out in any capacity. It's a daily battle!
I sometimes feel a sense of helplessness because I truly am trying my hardest to do what I know I need to do. I don't want to be or stay an unhealthy low weight. I want to be back up to what I was before the accident... it would help with my treatment, too (neurostimulator, medications, etc).
I don't really care for looking at myself in the mirror (I've written about it before in a post called
Mirrors). There was a day in late September that I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was frightened. I looked like a skeleton. It scared me, but I still haven't been able to eat more or put on weight.
To be completely honest, part of why I may not be eating enough could be that I fear the debilitating abdominal pain and cramping that I get (due to IBS). People that haven't experienced such wrenching pain simply can't understand. It's such a heavy burden to know that the pain is possible
anytime I eat
anything.
I've been using a calorie counter app (I finally found one that allows you to set a goal to
gain weight). It helps me see just how little / few calories I often intake. After I enter everything in that I've consumed in a day, it'll tell me how much (or little) I'll weigh if I eat like that for five weeks. Seeing that number is sometimes pretty scary. So, I'm trying my hardest to reach the goal caloric intake, but I often feel like I'm just so desperate to meet the calorie goal that I'm actually looking for high calorie foods to eat (which are often very unhealthy).
I have to be very,
very mindful about my eating. It's utterly exhausting!!! I hate that it's a daily struggle just to make myself eat (some days are worse / harder than others). I constantly have to fight horrible nausea and often have to try to force-feed myself. But, there are times that I just can't eat - even the thought of eating makes me feel physically sick, and it just worsens with the smell and taste.
But, I'm
not giving up! I want to get back to my normal weight. I'm still trying!
This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM).
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